My parents have been married for 52 years. I’m not following their example in my own relationship.
They mostly followed traditional roles, but my husband and I are aiming for a balanced partnership.
A fair division of labor and open communication are important to me.
I first met my husband on spring break when I was 17. I fell hard and fast despite him living in another state, quickly declaring I wanted to marry him. It was easy to imagine marriage at such a young age since my parents were married when they were both 20. When we finally said “I do,” I was 24. I’ll admit, I didn’t know a lot about marriage except for what I’d witnessed through my own parents’ relationship. They’re now in their early 70s and going on 52 years of marriage. While they are very much in love, they haven’t always demonstrated a union I’d like to emulate. From dinnertime to communication to division of labor, I intentionally follow different guidelines in my own day-to-day life. Is it wrong to say I don’t want my marriage to be like my parents’ marriage?
It starts with dinner
My mom has stressed about cooking dinner for my dad for more than 50 years. We can even be away on vacation without my dad and she still makes sure his 5 p.m. meal is all planned out every single day. For quite some time I thought this was normal — a wife ensuring her husband never missed dinner. I even tried to be just like my mom early on in my own marriage, until one day when I had an infant on my hip and a toddler on my leg I declared the inconvenience of it all. My husband could cook too. He could reheat leftovers. He could pick up takeout. I didn’t have to do it all. It’s not to say one day I just stopped making dinner for my husband, there was a conversation first. In our marriage we prefer to talk about stuff because there is nothing more unsettling than an elephant in the room. I know because I grew up with one in my house. My parents rarely communicated what felt uncomfortable. They would rather not speak for weeks than peacefully admit why they’re mad about something or someone. I have always known I didn’t want that level of silence in my marriage because I can’t ignore bad feelings. There is nothing like a good argument to clear the air, but it’s not to say in the twenty years my husband and I have been together we have never gone to bed angry. When you have three children in the home, communication and transparency is extremely important.
A fair division of labor is important to me
I was raised in a home in which both parents worked two jobs each, yet only one parent truly did it all. School conferences and dentist appointments, laundry and cleaning, there was no equal division of household responsibilities. As a child I did not realize my mother never stopped working, even when her office hours were over. It’s important in my marriage for my spouse and I to be teammates, sharing the workload for parenting and household. However it was not until the pandemic that our team was tested. When I was very sick for months, my husband had to do it all. He will say the forced responsibilities gave him purpose and power. Now he actively takes a part in everything our daughters do not only because equality is important, but also because he wants to.
There are some things I’d like to emulate
Now that I have torn apart my parents’ marriage, I’d like to piece it back together by celebrating the good stuff. Fifty years is a long time to stay with one person and their loyalty is admirable. The number of hardships and the tragedies they’ve faced, all while taking care of me and my siblings, could have been reason enough to tear them apart. Instead, it bonded my parents so tightly. To this day my parents work together to give their children and grandchildren everything we could want and need. The love and pride they have for the family they built is a remarkable and aspirational aspect of their marriage. My husband and I would be so lucky to have our own children describe our marriage in such a way someday, even if we are doing it our own way.
