Highly sensitive kids feel their emotions and surroundings deeply. But how do you know if your child has this personality trait? There are subtle day-to-day behaviors you can watch for that indicate they may be a highly sensitive child (HSC). A HSC has “heightened sensory abilities … [and is] extremely caring but tends to get overwhelmed by stimuli in the world,” said Dr. Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of the upcoming book The Highly Sensitive Rabbit. “It’s so essential in parenting to identify if you have a highly sensitive child so you know how to meet their needs.” We talked to experts about the not-so-obvious signs that your child is highly sensitive, how they interact differently with the world, and parenting tips you can use to help them thrive.
First of all, what does “highly sensitive” mean exactly?
The personality trait was first researched by psychologist Elaine Aron in 1991, who wrote the book The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You. According to Aron, about 15-20% of children are born highly sensitive, which means they have a “nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react.” Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, describes these kids as “deeply feeling” and “porous to the world.” “Their pores, you can almost imagine, are bigger, and so more flows into them and more flows out,” she said. “They have a lot of hypervigilance to all the details they notice.”
Sign No. 1: They don’t like loud noises, strong scents or bright lights.
A HSC hears, smells, sees, tastes and feels more intensely. “They feel things like they’re holding something with 50 fingers instead of five,” Orloff said. They may be particularly sensitive to the noise of a vacuum, an itchy tag on their clothes, the sun shining in their eyes or the fragrance of an overpowering perfume. And they often feel overstimulated in crowds or chaotic environments. If you know your child will be in a situation that may be stressful for them, you can help them prepare ahead of time, explained Dr. Cara Goodwin, child psychologist and founder of Parenting Translator “[Talk] through what might trigger them and [discuss] ways to manage those specific triggers,” she said. For instance, if they’re going to be in a loud environment, you can ask your child if they want to cover their ears with their hands, wear headphones or “use self-talk to handle the … noises,” she suggested. “Notice and praise them whenever they face a situation that is challenging for them,” she said. “This will encourage them to not avoid situations [that] trigger their sensitivity.”
Sign No. 2: They tend to be more hesitant or cautious in new situations.
In addition to feeling overwhelmed by certain environments, a HSC often takes more time to warm up in a new situation, Goodwin explained. They may be reluctant at first to approach children or adults they don’t know well or haven’t seen for awhile. For example, if you’re having a gathering at your house, your HSC may want to observe from a distance before joining or talking. You don’t want to force them to participate before they’re ready, Orloff said. It’s perfectly fine for them to take in their surroundings at their own pace and join once they feel comfortable.
Sign No. 3: They may have more extreme meltdowns.
“These kids … really do feel things more deeply [and] for longer … than other kids, which means they have externally visible manifestations, like tantrums,” Kennedy said. These meltdowns may be more intense and happen more often. “These kids have rapid escalation. They go [from] zero to 60,” she explained. One moment you may be sitting quietly at the table with your child, and the next, they may be screaming after they accidentally tripped over a chair, she said. Highly sensitive kids can also be more “affected by lack of sleep or hunger than the average child,” Goodwin added. This can further trigger irritability and tantrums. When your child is feeling overwhelmed, you can teach them deep breathing to help calm down (breathe in for six counts, hold for a few counts, breathe out for six counts, and repeat a few times), Orloff recommended. They also need alone time so they can reset. Give your child quiet time when they can listen to music, color, journal or play with a favorite toy or stuffed animal.
Sign No. 4: They tend to feel overwhelmed by surprises — even good ones.
A HSC generally feels most comfortable with routine and predictability, Goodwin said. They may have difficulty with transitions, changes or unexpected events — even positive ones.
Sign No. 5: They absorb the emotions of others around them.
A HSC is “very concerned and caring about everybody else,” Orloff said. They take on what others are feeling, such as their parents’ stress, Goodwin added. When a parent is going through a hard time, a HSC can sense this and may “feel like it’s their fault,” Orloff said. “Tell the child, ‘This is not your fault. You’re a wonderful child. We love you.’” You can explain to them that sometimes people go through hard times, and that’s just a normal part of life. “Teach them to have good boundaries with people … and [that] you [can] be supportive without being an emotional sponge,” she explained. If a child is feeling overwhelmed by others’ emotions, she said it can be helpful for them to visualize a shield or light around them that protects them from outside stress.
Sign No. 6: They notice subtleties that others may not.
“They’re extremely perceptive, [and] they notice everything,” Kennedy said. “They will definitely notice when you skip a word in a book … [or] if you’re telling a white lie.” Because of their keen attention to subtleties, they are likely to notice and respond when you make small parenting changes, like teaching them ways to cope and thrive in the world as a HSC. “I want parents to know [that] it’s never too late [to learn about deeply feeling kids] … The right time to learn is always right now,” Kennedy said. “[And] there’s nothing more rewarding as a parent than finally understanding your kid and feeling like you can connect to them.”This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
