Liking a co-worker’s photo on social media. Sending them direct messages. Checking in on Slack more often than before. Progressively interacting in this way with someone outside your relationship may be no big deal to you. To your significant other, however, it may be microcheating, which some people consider a form of infidelity because it can involve building a bond one heart emoji at a time. Although pushing the boundaries of what’s allowed in a relationship is not a new concept, the issue has become even more common with the rise of remote work, said William Schroeder, a therapist and owner of Just Mind Counseling centers in Austin, Texas. “People are having more digital relationships so it kind of creates more space for that,” Schroeder said. “In this work-from-home environment, it can happen even easier because it’s real low risk.”
What is microcheating?
Microcheating, a term popularized by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling, could be anything short of a physical or emotional relationship if it involves a behavior you can’t talk about openly with a partner. Besides furtive social media chatting, it also could mean lingering too long at the water cooler to talk to a co-worker, sharing personal details of your own relationship, or dressing up if you know you’ll see someone. “We’ve just put a newer label on it,” said Abby Medcalf, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, and host of the “Relationships Made Easy” podcast. But Medcalf noted that with most of her patients in recent years, microcheating involves texting or messages on social media. And it can be a slippery slope.
What’s the big deal?
As relationship norms evolve and terms like “polyamory” come out of the shadows, liking or commenting on a photo may seem fairly innocuous. Many couples don’t care, Medcalf said, but people who do shouldn’t feel bad for it. “There isn’t a right and wrong in relationships,” she said. “It comes down to preferences.” Even if a specific action has not been discussed and forbidden, trouble arises when it takes away energy from your primary relationship, she said. “It’s cheating if your partner doesn’t like it, or doesn’t know about it, or wouldn’t like it if they knew about it,” she said. She advised resisting the urge to snoop, which is a sign there is a lack of trust in the relationship. “All you want to know is, how is your partner treating you?” she said. “Do you feel No. 1?”
How should couples handle it?
Schroeder said every relationship has boundaries, some of which may have been discussed and others that are implied. These days, the gray area is bigger than ever. Particularly if a couple met on a dating app, it’s important to discuss whether to disable it and be exclusive, he said. Then define what “exclusive” means, such as not dating other people, continuing conversations through an app or pursuing others on social media. The best time to bring it up is long before a problem arises, even if it’s difficult to know when or how, he said. He equated having this talk with driving. “If you think that you have a full tank of gas, you’re not going to start thinking, ‘When should we stop to get gas?’” he said.
A change in behavior — if your significant other seems to be more secretive with their phone, for instance, or checks social media more often — could a sign of an issue, he said. But try not to be accusatory. Rather, mention you have noticed they are more engaged with their phone and that it worries you because you’re not sure what it means. “Having that kind of curiosity is a much better place to have a conversation,” Schroeder said.
He said microcheating happens for many reasons, but often it’s because people are simply looking for that spark they feel from a new relationship. Some patients who engage in secretive behavior never cross further lines, but Schroeder said noticing if you yourself are doing it can be instructive. Also, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. “It can be this crisis to rebuild,” he said. “Sometimes when these little microcheating examples come up, it can be really helpful to understand, ‘Alright, why is this coming up for me?’”
